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Hi everyone.


It's 1:30 am here. At 5:00 am, I am riding my bike 10 miles to the Hindu temple here in Michigan. I will volunteer all day for the Govardhan puja. That celebrates Krishna’s merciful protection of the Govardhan village and His victory over the prideful Lord Indra.


I feel like I’m supposed to be in India. I feel it very strongly. It’s strange. I wonder, “What am I doing here?” Nothing is keeping me here but myself. I am denying myself. Swamis come through the temple and bless us, yet I will not debate them. Am I hiding? At some point, there is no sense in observing anymore.


I’m not soliciting advice about my life. I am losing most of my material things. This has all needed to happen for me. The most painful thing is that I still talk with others who do not understand or accept that.


I lost my job (put in notice and was fired), sold my car, am getting evicted in a couple weeks, will lose all my furniture, and will own only what I can carry. I was homeless for 5 months last fall, but lived in my car and a motel since I had a job. I have completely abstained from drugs and alcohol for nearly two years. I do not smoke or take any medication. I do not drink caffeine except on rare occasions.


The job caused a nervous breakdown (not the first, really, but by far the most painful since I would not quit the job), I’ve experienced a surge of spiritual emergence the last two years, and I am writing profusely every day and prone to giving friendly, intellectual speeches to friends and in public.


I feel like all my talent is being wasted. This type of creative energy does not last forever, and I would hate to squander Sarasvati’s blessings. After this winter, I intend to travel. I would say I will get a job and be “normal,” but it’s perfectly clear for me that such a thing is a delusion. I am different and will find my purpose, but I don’t know why I’m here right now.


Friends encourage my writing. Why should I justify my view of God? He accepts it. I mean it: That really is more important than people’s opinions. Some friends understand, and others don’t. They criticize me as self-destructive when they do not even see what they deny themselves. I speak less and less with such people. I am perfectly aware of the reality that most people simply can’t relate.


Okay. Thanks for listening. Maybe I’ll hop on a plane with some Hare Krishnas and ditch them when we get to India?  :D



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Thanks, EK. I'm rested and feeling better. Did I mention this post was spurred by looking at old high school friends on FaceBook? :mellow:


Yeah, not a great idea!




Love and light

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